My dad passed away on October 23 at the age of 93. Music icon Jerry Lee Lewis died almost a week later and in our celebrity obsessed culture he will get more attention. But when it came to being a husband, father, and son, Frank Palmeri was the real Rock Star. You can see his obit here.
Father Frank was all about family, food, and frugality. The sacrifices that he made for his family--which included working long hours to help pay for his kids' private school education and caregiving for many years for his elderly parents--were acts of love done without expectation of payback or praise. After retiring from the shoe repair business he learned his way around the kitchen and became an amazing cook, and was especially extraordinary at Italian cuisine. He experienced great joy from the act of preparing meals for others; it was his method of gift giving. (If you watch Stanley Tucci's excellent "Searching For Italy" program on CNN, you'll see that my dad's penchant for seeing food as a gift is a profoundly Italian way of imagining the proper relationship of people to meals.). And as for frugality, my dad was legendary for holding on to his limited possessions until they absolutely had to be replaced. I always chuckled when he insisted that his more than 50-year-old suit was "brand new" because he had only worn it a few times. By contributing little to the landfills and being satisfied with what most of us would call a minimalist lifestyle, Frank Palmeri was "green" before it became chic.
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| Frank Palmeri was able to feed a small army with just a small charcoal grill. Preparing meals gave him joy and was his main form of gift giving. |
At this point you must be in the mood for music. I've always been a fan of tribute songs. When someone close to me--or someone not close to me but whom I admired--passes, I find myself thinking of these songs. Here are the top 10 I find myself coming back to often. This time I dedicate them to my old man.
#10: "My Old Man" by Ian Dury and the Blockheads. The late Ian Dury was one of the true originals of the British New Wave rock movement of the 1970s, a brilliant lyricist whose albums oozed irreverence, snark, and satire. I've always loved "My Old Man" because Dury's description of his dad as a proud and gritty working class dude immediately reminded me of my own.
My old man was fairly handsomeHe smoked too many cigsLived in one room in VictoriaHe was tidy in his digs
Ian Dury and the Blockheads: My Old Man
#9: "All Those Years Ago" by George Harrison. This and the next two songs have a connection to John Lennon, my favorite rock star of all time. John's bandmate George wrote a touching tribute for his friend that has a spiritual vibe we can all send to the departed in our own lives.
Deep in the darkest nightI send out a prayer to youNow in the world of lightWhere the spirit free of liesAnd all else that we despised
George Harrison: All Those Years Ago
#8: "Empty Garden" by Elton John. One of the most touching songs ever written. Elton was talking about John Lennon, but all of us know of "a gardener like that no one can replace."
Who lived here?He must have been a gardener that cared a lotWho weeded out the tears and grew a good cropAnd we are so amazed, we're crippled and we're dazedA gardener like that one no one can replace
#7: "Julia" by the Beatles. John's tribute to his own mom. I have always found the first line to be quite mesmerizing:
Half of what I say is meaninglessBut I say it just to reach you, Julia
#6: "I'll Be Missing You" by P. Diddy and Faith Evans. Diddy's 1997 paean to his hip hop soul mate Christopher Wallace (aka The Notorious B.I.G) beautifully samples "Every Breath You Take" by the Police. All of the songs on this list relate to different stages of grief; Diddy's is about that initial state of shock when we still have not quite accepted that our loved one is gone.
It's kinda hard with you not around (yeah)Know you in Heaven smilin' downWatchin' us while we pray for youEvery day we pray for you'Til the day we meet again
P. Diddy and Faith Evans: "I'll Be Missing You"
#5: "Carry on Jon" by Blackmore's Night. Jon Lord of Deep Purple was one of the great keyboard players in rock history, creating a unique sound for Purple that helped distinguish them from other blues-based metal bands. His former bandmate Ritchie Blackmore, a guitar god in his own right, paid tribute by writing and recording a beautiful instrumental. The melody and instrumentation sparks memories of the best Lord/Blackmore jams of the early Deep Purple days.
Blackmore's Night: Carry On Jon
#4: "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton. Written after the tragic, accidental death of Clapton's 4-year-old son Conor, "Tears in heaven" is a penetrating expression of grief that balances the debilitating impact of sorrow with a hope for strength to carry on.
#3: "Miss You C." by Nils Lofgren. Long time guitar player in Bruce Springsteen's E-Street Band (and before that a short stint in Neil Young's Crazy Horse), Nils Lofgren wrote and recorded a tribute for soul great Ray Charles called "Miss You Ray." After the death of the legendary E-Street Band saxophonist Clarence Clemons, Nils rewrote it as "Miss You C." It's a touching tune with a great line for those of us missing our dads:
I miss you Dad, your gentle spirit wayStill life is grand, I owe so much to you
#2: "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd. The song that expresses in the most direct, simple way possible what all of us feel when we think of our departed loved ones: How I wish you were here.
How I wish, how I wish you were hereWe're just two lost soulsSwimming in a fish bowlYear after yearRunning over the same old groundWhat have we found?The same old fearsWish you were here
Pink Floyd: Wish You Were Here
